Since the day the twins were born I have run the gambit of pretty much every emotion a person can feel. I think the one that stands apart from the rest is peace. From very soon after we lost Adeline I have felt an odd sense of peace. This is not to say that I have not also felt lost, confused, angry, sad etc. but the overriding state has been a state of peace. Over the past few months, as I think about her time here with us I feel like she had a greater purpose for being here. She wasn't sent to stay. I have seen the x-rays, I have talked to the doctors. There was no amount of medical intervention that could have saved her. I think she was sent here to teach us about the world, the goodness in people and our own strength.
One of the things that struck me the most about our time at the hospital both before and after we lost Addy, was the kindness and understanding given to us by complete strangers. The kindness I saw from the hospital staff, doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, etc was amazing. There was even a girl, a complete stranger who happened to be on the fire/rescue in a neighboring town who worked at the hospital in the cafeteria who tracked Bill down and offered to help with anything she could. She even bought us lunch one day. The ladies at the Ronald McDonald house were amazing as well. I cried the first day we were there out of sheer amazement that there were people in this world willing to give of themselves so much to make this amazing resource possible. Throughout the last 4 1/2 months I have received cards, messages, support etc from the most unlikely places. Every time I am truly amazed and honored. I believe in this way Addy was sent to restore my faith in the world, in humanity. I will be forever changed by this experience.
Over the last 4 1/2 months I have also learned my own strength, the strength of my wonderful husband and the strength of our love for our family and for one another. If you had asked me 5 months ago how I would deal with the events of the past 4 1/2 I would have told you that I couldn't that I wouldn't be strong enough. I hope that I never forget the feeling I had in the hospital after the twins were born. Both before and after Addy died. I had given birth to two beautiful babies with no interventions, walked out of one hospital and into another to stand at the beds of my two sick babies. I loved and said goodbye to my little girl, like saying goodbye to a piece of my soul. I lived in a chair in the hospital an hour away from my husband and son for 19 days until I could take Liam home. I was invincible. This was my superhero moment. I will never doubt myself as a mother or a person again and I have Adeline to thank for this. In her beautiful, short little life, she taught me more about the world than I had learned in the previous 26 years and more than I could hope to learn for the rest.
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