The Light

I was talking to a friend the other day, who lost her son just after we lost Addy.  We were talking about the grieving process and she asked "Do you think the light will ever return to our eyes?". I have been thinking about this ever since.  I know what she meant, the light is gone, I can feel it.   They say the eyes are the window to the soul and a big piece of my soul is missing.  I feel it as that tug in the pit of my stomach every time I am happy.  That "Wait a minute, something is missing." feeling when I find myself smiling about something cute the boys are doing, or laughing with friends.  The reminder is always there. 

I really didn't know how to answer this question though.  I don't know that the light will every fully return, anymore than the pain will ever fully disappear.  As hard as it is to constantly think about Adeline, to constantly miss her, I think it would be worse to loose these constant reminders.  It makes me feel like she is still here. she is part of this family and I love that I think of her at important family moments.  I love that I think of her every time the sun shines in the window or I look up at a blue sky.  She has forever left her mark on me, changed my view of the world, and that is as wonderful as it is difficult. 

I think that the light that used to shine in my eyes is in fact gone for good.  I don't mean this to be a bad thing though, quite the opposite.  I no longer see the world the way I once did.  Looking back over pictures I can see a difference in my eyes from before Adeline died to after.  However, I can also see a difference from before and after Sawyer was born.  There are a few events in life that shape us into a completely new person, these were two of mine, becoming a mother and loosing a child.  For better or for worse I will forever be this new person, I will forever see the world differently. 

I think that a new light will come.  It will never be the same as before, I will never go back to being the person I was before Adeline died, but I think it will come.  I am not there yet, not even close, the pain is too fresh and raw.  I think though,or at least I hope, that given time and alot of healing the light will come back.

And so, dear friend, this is my answer to your question. Yes, I think the light will come back.  I don't know how long it will take, maybe months or years, but I think it will come back.  I think they will become the light in our eyes.  Someday, when the pain isn't so raw, when we are able to think of them and truly smile at their memory, the light will come back.