Once a Mother, Always a Mother

As I was going about my nightly routine tonight I found myself thinking about a conversation that I had with a patient a while back.  It was shortly after Addy died and one of my first per diem days.  This woman was giving me a hard time about the amount of therapy she was scheduled for and really trying to talk me out of seeing her for the full amount of time.  I said jokingly that she must be a mother because only a mother could guilt like that.  To this she replied, with a sad look "I used to be."  With those four words my heart broke for this woman.  Not just because she had lost her child, actually after talking to her it turns out, both of her children but because she felt that that made her less of a mother in some way.  My immediate response was "Once a mother, always a mother."  She smiled and proceeded to tell me how she had lost both of her children when they were in their late teens/early 20s. 

I read a quote somewhere that has always rung true for me since having children.

 “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous.

 It is to decide forever to have your heart go 

walking around outside your body. ”

 - Elizabeth Stone. 

 I feel like that is true.  My heart is now split in three pieces, two here with me and one in heaven.  Even though Addy is not here with me, my heart is still with her.  I am no less her mother and she is no less my daughter.  My heart broke for this patient of mine because she either did not feel this way or did not feel comfortable expressing it.  Although I would be more than happy to never have experienced loosing a child, I am glad that it happened now.  There are many resources for grieving parents and the loss of an infant is acknowledged for the traumatic loss that it is.  It was not that long ago that this was not the case.  Infant loss was not discussed, there were no support groups, no candlelight vigils, nothing to keep parents from feeling all alone.  We were able to spend time with Addy, hold her kiss her, tell her how much we love her.  In another time she would have been whisked away from us without any of that.  We are able to talk about her, mourn her loss, and connect with other parents who, unfortunately, know exactly how we feel,  For that, for having babies in this time, I will be forever grateful.