Close To The Edge

It continually amazes me how close to the edge I am all the time.  So close to falling into the darkness, into the "bad place".  I am generally good at holding it together, putting a smile on my face and going through my day.  I owe this more to my wonderful support system that to myself.  They keep the world away, at least as much as they can, keep the world from pushing me over the edge.  Before Adeline died I was a pretty calm, resilient person.  I was the one to keep it together, not get nervous and just do what needed to be done.  When my mom had a major medical emergency a few years ago, I was the one who sat with the doctor and calmly listen to him describe how close she had come to dying,  I was the one who comforted my sister, asked the doctor questions and relayed the whole thing to my dad when he arrived.  I am no longer that person.  I would like to think that she is inside of me somewhere but she is buried so deep beneath the saddness and anxiety it is hard to tell.  Now I am the one who needs comforting and protecting.

I am a nervous wreck about things that never used to phase me.  I know that my parenting style is different.   When Sawyer was a baby I never though twice about a little cold.  I nursed him in bed with me and often fell asleep with him without a second though.  I worried, of course, about the normal mom stuff but not like now.  Now it is an all consuming anxiety.  What if the cough isn't just a cough, what if its pneumonia?  What if he is sleeping so much because he is getting sick again?  What if there is something wrong?  How will I know?  What if I don't figure it out until its too late?  I know that these fears are irrational, yet they are still there, they are very real and I can't ignore them.  I wake every night several times and put my hand on Liam's chest just to be sure he is still breathing. I freak out if I accidentally fall asleep while nursing him.  I constantly picture something awful happening to him or Sawyer.  My heart could not take that, this I know for sure.  I have come to the conclusion that, aside from the extra stress, there is one big difference now from when Sawyer was a baby.  When Sawyer was a baby, babies didn't die.  Now they do.  Oh sure, I knew of people who had  lost babies.  I even had a close family member lose a baby when I was pregnant.  It's effected me a lot  for sure,  my heart broke for her and I still think of her daughter daily, but it was not the same.  This horrible thing happened to other people, not to me.

It amazes me how this anxiety and sadness can be pulled out by the most insignificant event.  It can really be anything, a silly fight, someone cutting me off in traffic, not being able to find my shoe.  Anything that messes up this perfect little world that I have tried to keep myself in. I find myself headed into a tailspin of sorts where the anxiety and saddness would overtake me if I let it.  It is hard to pull out of, some days harder than others.  It is as if there is a giant weight on my chest pulling me down,  making it hard to breath and difficult to see the beauty in this world.  Some days this weight just hits for no reason at all and all I can do it stop and cry and grieve and let it pass.  I am very lucky to have the amazing husband, kids, family and friends that I have.  They make it possible for me to pull myself out of my tailspin, make the world seem beautiful again.