There Will Always Be Something

I am realizing that there will always be something that brings you to my mind.  I will never go through a day without something triggering your memory.  This is terrifying and comforting all at the same time.  It is terrifying to realize that my emotions will always be that close to the surface and comforting to know that you will always be with me.  The day that you were here was the best, worst, most emotional, most amazing and most horrible day of my life.  The though of reliving that day, to one extent or another, everyday for the rest of my life is daunting to say the least.  On the other hand, to be able to remember your beautiful face, to feel you here with me everyday, makes all the rest of it tolerable.

I see you in your brother's face, in his smile when he see's himself in the mirror.  I like to imagine that that is the smile he would have to see you face.  Playing peek-a-boo in the mirror, a normally adorable baby game, is heart wrenching.  I see you in the sunshine and the clouds in the sky.  I think you said "hello" today.  As I was walking outside at work today I looked up at the sky, thinking about you, wanting so badly to see you again.  There was a  large white cloud in the sky and right in the middle of it there was a small, shadowy, spot shaped exactly like a heart.  I think you were listening and knew I needed to know you were there.

I think of you every time I talk about "my kids" even if I don't always talk about you.  I think about you every time I look in the back seat of the car and see the empty space next to Sawyer.  I think about you every time I see a little girl, the flowers on our hibiscus bush, your stuffed animals on the changing table, an angel, a double stroller, a hundred other things or nothing at all.  There will always be something that brings you to my mind and I love that.  I love that you will always be with me, that you will never be forgotten.