Mad

It hit me today, that peace that I have had all along has taken a, hopefully brief, hyatus.  I'm mad.  Not at anything or anyone in particular just mad at the world.  Mad that my life is not what I had pictured it would be a year ago, mad that things are not going our way and at this moment, mad that I can't find the charger for Sawyer's power wheels.  There is no real rational reason for this anger and nothing that is going to get rid of it; I think i just need to be mad, to get it out.  I need to take a day or two to just hate the universe.  A day for a little self pity and frusteration.  Why me?  Why my family?  All along I have taken the view that something as terrible as losing a child just doesn't happen to someone who could not bear the burden.  That we were blessed with Adeline, and she was taken from us for a reason, to teach us something about ourselves and the world.  I still believe this but this doesn't mean I have to like it or be happy about it.  In fact I'm kind of pissed.  I really don't care much what the grand plan is, I just want my daughter back.  I want the absolute, beautiful chaos that I was anticipating a year ago, I want to be able to use all of the cute pink stuff stored away in my basement. I know im whining a bit but I don't really care.  I have had a very good outlook for the past 5 months.  Never gotten mad, never asked why, never felt resentful, I think I earned a couple of days of self pity and a good rant.

The worst part is that this anger is spilling over into everything else.  I am snapping at Sawyer and Bill, getting frustrated that Liam wont sleep for more than 4 hours at night.  I totally freaked out on my poor husband yesterday for just being his goofy self and trying to make everything a joke.  That was the exact opposite of what I needed but how could he possibly have known that.

I just want things the way they were supposed to be.  I want to talk about my twins, not my surviving twin.  I want people to be asking what size clothes Adeline is in, not if I have gotten rid of her clothes yet.  I want people to smile when I say her name, not cringe. I am so very sick of saying "Liam is a twin, we lost his sister."  I am just so ready for this to be over, to wake up from this terrible nightmare and find out that Adeline and Liam are both happy and healthy.  I know this will not happen, I know that this is my new normal but that doesnt mean I always have to like it.