My Own Silver Lining

I was talking to a friend today about the things people say in an effort to comfort, bring closure etc.  I know that for the most part they mean well and these comments come from a good place.  They want to help me, and themselves, make sense of something that is senseless, trying to make it not seem as bad as it really is.  In doing this however they often accomplish the exact opposite of what they intended, and leave me feeling angry, resentful, offended or frustrated.  Over the course of the last few months I have heard a lot of these.  I have been told "These things happen for a reason", "Two babies would be too overwhelming", "At least Liam is healthy", "Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with two sick babies?", "Now you have an extra room again", and so many more I could go on and on.  Some of these are of course worse than others and I know there are more I just can't think of them right now.  I know that these were said in an effort to find the silver lining to a horrible event.  But here's the thing, there is no silver lining.  There is nothing good about my daughter dying and that really is ok. 

It has been pointed out to me that "everything works out".  This was mentioned several times after we took in my niece, shortly after loosing Adeline.  First of all there is nothing in the world that could make me think that things will work out because of Adeline's death, they will work out in spite of her death.  Second, we would have done this anyway, it just would have been a bit more crowded here.  Her death did not open new opportunities to us and if it did I would gladly give them up just to have her back.  It has also been pointed out to me that I must get more sleep since I only have to get up with on baby.  The truth is that I probably get less sleep.  Every night when I wake up to feed Liam, I think of Adeline.  I think about how she should be here, how I should be awake feeding two babies.  I stay awake thinking about her. I do not get more sleep, nor would this make loosing her ok. 

I know it seems like common sense to think that I would be happy to not be taking care of two sick babies when Liam gets sick, but in reality I would love to be taking care of two sick babies.  In fact I would take just about any pain and suffering just to have her here with me.  That is probably selfish, as I know she would have been a very sick little girl if she had lived, but it is true.  I would love take care of her, be up to our eyeballs in stress and doctors bills and have many, many sleepless nights dealing with whatever she had to throw at us, just to have her here with us.

I know that it is great that Liam lived and is healthy and growing.  Yes, it is wonderful that we have him and Sawyer to help us carry on but that doesn't actually make up for loosing Adeline.  I think this is the one that gets to me the most because it makes me think that people think she is replaceable.  She is not.  Yes, we have two beautiful children but we are supposed to have three.  Think about it, which of your children would you be willing to give up without being too upset? 

In talking about this with a friend I came to a realization.  It is not that any of these comments or conclusions are bad or wrong, but that they are not mine.  While there is no silver lining, nothing good about Addy's death, there have been several things that I have found comfort in.  For example, she and Liam were rushed to Maine Medical Center because of her obvious illness.  Once they got there it became apparent that Liam was in respiratory distress and did, in fact, need NICU level of care.  He received this care much faster than he probably would have and had better outcomes than he probably would have because of Adeline.  This gives me comfort.  I have come to my own conclusions about a greater plan, why this happened and her purpose here on earth and this gives me comfort as well.  If you had told me any of these things 4 months ago, when we first lost her, they would not have been well received.  These are conclusions I needed to come to on my own.  I know that everyone just wants to help, to lessen our pain, to help us make sense of this but the fact is that the best way to do that is to do nothing.  Just be there, be supportive, say you are sorry or thinking of her or thinking of us and leave it at that.  Let me find my own "silver lining".