It so often strikes me how unique the loss of a multiple is. I feel as though I do not fit in anywhere. In the loss groups I am the only one talking about a surviving baby and in the mommy groups I am the only one talking about a loss. I fit into both groups but into neither at the same time. It is difficult to talk to other people about the loss of a twin. My new mom friends understandably do not want to talk about Adeline's death. I can understand this, as a parent this is just somewhere you can't let your mind go. Children are not supposed to die. Conversely, I cannot talk to the moms I know who have lost babies about Liam. How can I talk about my beautiflu boy who is doing so well when I know all too well the pain they are feeling? I feel like there is a serious hole in the supports that are available to parents who have lost babies.
One of the things I grieve most when I grieve Addy is the twin relationship that will never happen. I feel like Liam has to go through life missing a part of himself. This is heat breaking to me. When I found out I was expecting twins I felt like I had just been inducted into an exclusive club. I am a mom of twins and always will be but I feel like I do not fit in with this group anymore. Just today I saw a beautiful set of boy/girl twins that were probably about 8 months old. They were gorgeous to me not just because they were cute kids but because I could see all that they would have that Liam would never get to experience.
The day Adeline died I feel like I was inducted into a new group, one I never wanted and would happily give up membership to. I am a loss mom. While it is extremely comforting to know that I am not alone and to have people to talk to who do not cringe at the mention of Adeline's name, I cannot help but feel guilty when I am with these amazing women. How is it ok for me to talk about my loss, to mourn my baby girl when I also have what they do not, a healthy baby. My child died and that would hurt the same regardless if she were an only child or one of 3 or 5 or 10. I know that these moms are wonderful people and they share in my pain but it is hard to not think that they are looking at me thinking "Who the hell do you think you are? What are you complaining about?"
In some ways I feel like my grief process was easier, at least in the beginning. I had to keep going, I had to hold it together. I had a beautiful baby boy who needed all of my energy and that was very helpful. I also got to stay in the NICU, in the room right next to Adeline's until I was ready to leave. I had a chance to talk at length with the doctors until I understood every aspect of her life and death. On the other hand, I have a constant but wonderful reminder of Adeline. Every time I look at Liam I see her, I think of her and I miss her. I mean every time. Every time I watch him play on the floor I can imagine her playing there next to him. Avoiding the baby stuff was not an option. I was not able to let myself ease into it. We had to go to babies r us just a couple weeks after she died to get bottles and diapers for Liam. I had to walk past the baby girl stuff. I had to face it, I didn't have a choice.
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