Paradise Lost

I was back at Maine Medical Center the other day for Liam's kidney ultrasound.  This was not the first time I had been back but it was the first time when we were all healthy and I actually had time to focus on how I felt about being back there.  After being there for about 5 minutes, smelling the smells and hearing the sounds of the hospital a knot set up permanent residence in my stomach.  This nauseating heartache stayed for the rest of our visit and made me think about the impact that this place has had on my life.  As I walked through the hospital I was as usual greeted with a perfect view of Addy's NICU window, passed the entrance to the East Tower, where the NICU is, the courtyard where we sat and ate breakfast the morning after Adeline died and got my jello and chocolate milk fix in the cafeteria where we spent so much time during our hospital stay.  Each step through the hospital twisted the knot in my stomach a little bit more.  It may sound crazy to someone who has not experienced the NICU but I truly miss this place.  I often joke that I am homesick for the NICU and this really is the best way I can describe it.

When Liam and Addy were in the NICU the doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and all of the other staff we met, were wonderful.  I can never express how thankful we are to all of them.  From the time the babies were admitted, the doctors and nurses too care of all of us.  We were included in their care, allowed and even encouraged, to talk to the babies, touch them and love them.  When we were given the news of Adeline's diagnosis and prognosis the doctors came back to help us make sense of what was happening and spent alot of time talking to us, explaining the diagnosis, explaining her chances of survival, discussing our options and just listening to us talk, cry and ask hundreds of questions.  We were never pushed to make a decision about Adeline, nor were we rushed once the decision was made.  The doctors and nurses went out of their way to ensure that we were taken care of, that Adeline was taken care of.  I will never forget how Addy's nurse stayed well beyond the end of her shift just so that she would be the one to take Addy down to the morgue.  I will never forget how she loved Addy with us, grieved with us. How she sat down and gave me a hug when I started crying about 5 minute after I met her and told her that I had know that Adeline was a girl from the minute my pregnancy test came back positive. That night Liam's nurse let me hold him for the first time, brought me dinner and helped me put my horrendously swollen feet up.  When I was finally ready to stumble, bleary eyed, back to the parent room off of the unit I looked around and realized how trashed the room was from the day of visitors and overflow from Adeline's room.  Liam's nurse just smiled, helped me get the bags down to the parent room and told me not to worry about a thing

After Adeline died, the NICU remained my sanctuary.  In the days and weeks following Addy's death the nurses and doctors continued to take wonderful care of all of us. One of the neonatologists spent almost an hour, on several occasions, looking at x-rays with me, comparing Liam and Addy's x-rays and explaining everything in great detail.  He assured me that even if I had carried to term, Addy likely would not have survived.  This helped greatly to relieve my guilt over wishing for the pregnancy to be over.   He also explained in great detail how different Liam and Adeline's diagnoses were and how different the outcome would be.  This was more helpful that he will probably ever know and I will be forever grateful that he took the time. I think the best part about the NICU was that there were no suprises and alot of support.  Everyone knew that Adeline had died, everyone asked how we were doing, made sure that we were taking care of ourselves as well as Liam.   There were so many reminders of Adeline on the unit but I knew where they all were.  I could sit and look into her room and think about her on my terms, not be blindsided by something that reminded me of her.  The doctors and nurses all asked if I wanted to change rooms several times.  Liam and Adeline had been in adjoining, twin rooms and Liam remained in the room next to hers.  I declined everytime and I feel like they went out of their way to respect my wish to stay where she had been.

This most recent trip back to the hospital was the first time that we have all been healthy and I had a little time to kill so I decided to visit the NICU.  I thought this was a weird thing but I was assured by one of our nurses that it is not and people do it all the time.  I pretty much wanted to see our nurses and doctors and most of all I wanted to see Addy's room again.   Unfortunately, they were busy on the unit and we were not able to go up.  As I stood at the guard station at the East tower, where I used to just wave and walk right by, I couldn't help feeling almost exiled.  Kicked out of this place that was so wonderful, where so many of my best and worst memories are.  I will definitely try to visit again if I ever find myself in Portland with a healthy baby and extra time but I don't think the NICU is really what I am missing.  It is that protected, cared for feeling.  The bubble that that the NICU provided for us when we were there.  I will never be able to go back there.