Even as I live it, I find it hard to believe that I can have good days, truly happy days or even moments. Today is not one of those days and this is what brings that to mind. There have been days in that last few months where I was really happy. Let me clarify, this is not really my old version of "really happy" where there was nothing weighing on my mind. This is my new version of "really happy" where, although my mind turns to Adeline constantly, I am able to remember her with a smile. I had a few of these days in a row last week, a very nice break from my normal state, now that I look back on them. At the time I felt almost manic, like happy was a foreign emotion. I actually found myself missing the grief, feeling as though it were slipping away from me. I know that this sounds weird, it sounds strange to me now too, but that it what I was feeling. I felt as though if the grief were gone, if I couldn't feel that deep sadness, Adeline was somehow slipping away from me. I found my self worrying that I was forgetting her. I know that this is crazy and impossible but it really was my fear at the time. The last 5 months have been, hands down, the most difficult of my life, but I am reluctant to let go of this time. The pain is crushing, suffocating at times. The stress and all consuming grief are definitely taking their toll on me. Yet somehow I do not want to let go. It feels like the further I get from May 17th, the further I get from Adeline. It still feels like it was just yesterday that I was holding her in my arms and yet somehow it has been 5 months. There are moments, many moments, when I would give anything to go back to May 17th, gladly live the last 5 painful months over again, just to hold her for one more minute, to give her one more kiss, to see her face with my own eyes one more time.
As I said before, today is not one of those happy days, it is not necessarily a sad day either, just a normal day. A day where the sadness is constant, the though of her brings an instant weight to my heart and tears to my eyes. It often occurs to me on days like this that the sadness will always be there. Whenever Sawyer and Liam do something adorable or Liam reaches a new milestone, or we are just having a particularly fun time, my thoughts turn to Adeline. In those moments I realize that every happy moment will always be dampered my the fact that she is not here to share it with us. I don't mean this in a bad way, although I know it sounds like the thought of never being happy is awful. I find myself actually looking forward to these sad moments because when I am sad, when I miss her, I am remembering her and as long as I remember her she will always be here with me.
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