Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to feed Liam in a state of complete confusion and grief. The confusion and grief was due to the dream that I was waking up from. It was simultaneously the best and worst dream I have ever had. For the first time ever I dreamed that Adeline did not die. It was not a particularly long or vivid dream but the I will not soon forget the feeling that it left me with. In the dream I had a toy and I was trying to decide which baby to give it to and they were both laying there in front of me kicking and giggling. I woke up very confused, trying to put that reality and this one together.
That seems to pretty much sum up my life the last 4 months, trying to put the reality of what should have been together with the reality of what is. There are days when I feel like these experiences are just a story I heard once about someone else's horrible experiences. Like I am living someone else's life. There are days when I have to step back and think about it. This really is my life. Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky person in a lot of respects. I have 3 beautiful children and a wonderful husband. I have a very large, loving, supportive family and a great career that I love. I think that in a way thats what makes the experiences of the last 4 months so surreal. Sure, we have had our share of your typical difficulties, petty arguments, financial difficulties etc. but all in all we lead a pretty charmed life. We were not supposed to loose our baby, that just doesn't fit. Although I have accepted the loss of Adeline, the best I can for the time being anyway, I often find myself in an odd state of denial. I can go through my day in this bizarre, happy state. I think of her constatly but find myself not reacting in a "normal" way. I see baby girl stuff and it doesn't make me sad, I play with the boys or go about my day at work without stopping. The constant state of anxiety is my new normal, it's not healthy but it's true. By the end of the day I am often nauseous, and anxious with no real idea why. I think it is just this, I have gotten pretty good at going through my day without giving validation to all of the mixed emotions rolling around inside of me. The other day I was having one of those days and stumbled on a "twins" picture frame at the pharmacy. After an entire day of brushing that type of thing off I nearly lost it in the middle of a store full of strangers.
I am learning one day at a time, one moment at a time to live with and process my new reality. I think I need to stop trying to fit my new reality into the spot where the reality I was expecting is supposed to be. That is part of the grieving process right, letting go of the could have been and should have been and getting on with the what is? I know it will take a lot more time and there is a good chance that I will find myself having a meltdown about something as silly as a picture frame at the pharmacy a year from now or even five years from now. In a way that is comforting because I know that in those moments I am remembering Adeline and she is there with me. Hopefully though, I wil be able to go through my day without the nauseating weight that has currently taken up permanent residence in the pit of my stomach. That I could definitely do without.
No comments:
Post a Comment