As we move into the holiday season I have done a lot of thinking about what I am most thankful for. I have been meaning to write this for several weeks, though finding a few spare moments is pretty difficult right now. As I look at all of the blessings in my life I realize that, above all, I am thankful to be thankful. Thankful that the events of the last 6 months have not left me so jaded that I cannot see the beauty in my life, all that I truly have to be thankful for. If anything, loosing Adeline has made me more grateful for the simple things in life and more aware of the blessings that stand in stark contrast to her loss.
Above all else I am thankful for my children, all of my children. I am thankful for every hug, every smile, every tantrum, every 4 am feeding. I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with my beautiful baby girl and all of the memories I have of her. There is nothing in this world that gives me greater pleasure than simply looking into the eyes of my beautiful boys. Just to look into their eyes and know that they are happy, healthy and alive. I have definitely noticed a marked shift in my parenting style and level of patience. There are, of course, still times when I get frustrated or just want a few minutes to myself. Overall though, I have a renewed devotion to my children. I cherish every moment with them, even more so than before. The little annoying three year old things that Sawyer does do not get under my skin the way that they used to. Even on days when he is being particularly difficult, I step back and look at him and thank God that he is alive for me to be fighting with. He is the sweetest, most caring little boy I know and it warms my heart to hear him talk about his sister, remember her and miss her. When Liam has one of his no sleep nights and I am awake for hours on end trying to get him to go back to sleep I find myself thinking about how much more difficult nights should have been and being thankful to be awake struggling with a cranky baby. They have both been my reason for living, for staying sane and getting up every morning. Without them, I would be lost and I am thankful every day to be their mama.
I am also thankful for my wonderful husband. He is my rock, my strength when I have none left. He is the force that gets me going when I can't move or makes me stop when I get out of control. When I found out that Addy was dying, one of my biggest fears was that the strain of loosing her would be too much for our relationship, that I would loose him too. If anything, our relationship is stronger for the stress and pain of the last 6 months. Over the last 6 years I have watched him grow and change from a bachelor to a husband to a father and everything that entails. Never have I seen more significant changes than in the last 6 months. He has shown a strength and a level of devotion that I have never seen before and I am so proud to be his wife.
I am thankful for my niece, Brittany, who moved in with us shortly after we brought Liam home. I am thankful that she is who she is and has fit so nicely into our family. For a teenager, she has shown remarkable empathy. I had many reservations about having her move in while we were dealing with the pain of loosing Addy. She has repeatedly shown me that we made the right decision and has truly become a part of this family. It warms my heart to see the picture of Adeline in her bedroom and hear her talk about her cousin. Becoming the parent of a teenager has had many challenges but through everything I am thankful to have her here with us.
I am thankful for my family. We have always had a wonderful extended family though never have I felt as much love and support as in the last 6 months. I am thankful for my parents who have gone well out of their way to help ease our burden in any way they could. From watching Sawyer so that Bill could be at the hospital with me and Liam, cleaning the house and yard and building me a beautiful garden, watching the kids so that we can attend support groups, lending us money while we get our feet back under us after an extended absence from work, and just lending a listening ear when it was needed they have been wonderful and I will never be able to repay them. My only hope is that someday I will be able to provide the same support to my own children, though hopefully not for the same situation. I am thankful for all of my aunts, uncles and cousins who made the trip to see Liam in the hospital or called to lend an ear, love and support.
I am thankful for my friends. I do not have many close friends but I hold dear the ones I do have. Although I have gone several months without talking to many of my friends, I still treasure their love and support. I have also made several new friends through support groups. I have a special bond with these women, one that I wish we did not have but I am thankful none the less, to have them in my life. These connections have made the last few months seem much less lonely. They understand my pain in a way that no one else can because they are feeling it too. While I wish we could have met under different circumstances, I will be forever thankful that they are in my life.
I am of course also thankful for all of the little stuff. A house to live in, food on the table, and a job that I love. After all that we have been through though, these things simple feel like added blessings. Even without them, we would find a way. We have each other and amazing family and friends. As I reflect back on the past year I cannot help but marvel, again, that I am able to be thankful for all of these things. Beyond that, I am more thankful than ever for the blessings I have in my life. I think this is because I have seen the worst that the world has too offer and it has made me that much more grateful for the blessings.
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