Capture Your Grief 2012

Day 1. Sunrise

 

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait – Here I am super pregnant and very excited about the babies.  I believe this was taken at about 6 months.

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait – This was taken the night Adeline died.  After everything settled down I was able to hold Liam for the first time since he was born.  It was very therapeutic for both of us.  

Day 4. Most Treasured Item – This is the memory box that the NICU nurse put together for us.  Inside are Adeline’s footprints, handprints, a lock of her hair, the clothes and blanket we dressed her in after she died and notes from the NICU nurses and doctors.  I also added her coming home outfit and the shell that she was baptized with.  I often visit this when I need to feel close to her. 

Day 5. Memorial – I was feeling like we needed to have Adeline’s picture up in the house so Sawyer and I we and had some printed up.  I found the picture in the middle on a twin loss website just after she dies and it really spoke to me so I traced and modified it and added their names and birth date.  It is hung in our living room where we can see her all the time.

Day 6. What Not To Say

 

Day 7. What To Say

 

Day 8. Jewlery – This is Adeline’s necklace.  It has her name engraved on the back and her ashes inside so I can carry her with me wherever I go.

Day 9. Special Place -  My favorite place in the whole world is it Beal family camp on Cathance Lake in Washington County. I have always felt at home there and find myself relaxing as soon as we pull in the driveway. I was very much looking forward to bringing the twins for their first stay at camp this summer but was only able to bring Liam. Addy was there with us though I think and I hope that she loves it as much as I do.

Day 10. Symbol - An angel because I believe that Addy is here with us watching over Liam and Sawyer and will be their guardian angel always ♥

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family - A huge thanks to my wonderful husband, beautiful kids and niece as well as my very supportive family, the wonderful NICU nurses and new and old friends, for helping me through the last 5 months. There are so many I cannot name you all but I couldn't have made it this far without you all, and there is still a long way to go.

Day 12. Scents – ok this might be a weird one, but hospital soap.  I love that smell, it makes me think about the wonderful NICU, Addy’s home for her one day here on earth.  I have so many, life changing, memories in that place. Every time I smell that soap it takes me right back to the first time I walked into the NICU to see my babies. 

Day 13. Signs - One of the signs that helped me the most happened one day a couple of weeks ago. It was rainy and I was having a particularly sad moment thinking of Liam and Addy talking and playing together. In that moment the sun came out for the only time all day and came streaming in this window right next to me. It was really as if she were there saying "don't be sad mommy, here I am."

Day 14. Community –Our first "Baby loss community" event was 10/13/12  when we did Noah's walk. It was a wonderfully sad experience to be in a room with so many other people who were there to remember the babies they never got to bring home.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Day - As today is international pregnancy and infant loss awareness day we lit our candle in honor of Addy and all of the babies who left too soon ♥

Day 16. Release – We did not to a release since the idea of balloons, lanterns, etc. ending up in the environment really bugs me.  Instead I chose to use a picture of the day that we “released” Adeline to be an angel.  This is just shortly after she was extubated. 

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates- I already know that Addy's birthday will be a difficult day. Not just because it is her birthday, followed so closely by the anniversary of the day she died, but because it is also Liam's birthday, a day of happiness and celebration. I hope to celebrate her birthday along with his and use this as a time to remember and celebrate her far too short life.

Day 18. Your Family Portrait - Our beautiful family with Addy's remembrance candle.

Day 19. Project – I do not have a good picture for this one as, I have a lot of great ideas, but have been a bit short on time and energy.  I am planning to build a shelf and urn for Adeline’s ashes and I would also like to crochet some baby blankets for Ronald McDonald House to replace the ones that we were given.  

Day 20. Charity/Organization – The charity that had the biggest impact on us through the loss of Adeline and our stay at the hospital with Liam was the Ronald McDonald House.  They were amazing, providing us with a place to live, eat, do laundry and just get away from the hospital.  They gave us blankets for Liam and Sawyer, provided toiletries when we ran out, wonderful dinners every night, snacks to take back to the hospital as well as the chance to meet many wonderful families.  This place will forever hold a place in my heart and someday, when life calms down a bit, I plan to take the kids back there and be a guest chef.

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space – We plan to build a shelf in the living room and a permanent urn for Adeline’s ashes.  Until life settles down enough to do that her ashes and the angels from her baptism are in our room looking over Liam’s bed.

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth – We own so much to the staff at the MMC NICU.  They provided Adeline and Liam with the very best care possible.  Aside from the medical care, they also provided our family with more love and support than I possibly could have imagined.  When it became clear that it was time to let Adeline go, they left all of the decisions to us.  We were never rushed, never pushed and were provided with amazing support during the most difficult day of our life.  It is terrible that these wonderful nurses and doctors have to have this skill set but I will be forever grateful that they do!

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo

 

Day 24. Siblings – 

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing – My baby shower was extra special as I got to share it with my sister, Amy.  It was also the last time that I saw my Uncle Kenny, who passed away, suddenly, just 9 days before Adeline.  I know that he is taking great care of her in heaven, though I wish that they could both be with us still <3.  

Day 26. Their Age – One day in our arms but a lifetime in our hearts <3

Day 27. Artwork – Looking ahead to this day’s subject inspired me to actually buckle down and create some artwork that I had been envisioning for a while.  

Day 28. Memory

 

Day 29. Music – I don’t have a good one for this day.  Try as I might I cannot think of a specific song that reminds me of Adeline.  Everything reminds me of Adeline.  I will forever miss being able to sing her lullabies, teach her nursery rhymes and listen to her beautiful  voice.  

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World 

Day 31. Sunset- Goodnight sweet girl