I am struck but the ability of one moment or experience to shape the mood of an entire day. This has always been the case of course, but since loosing Addy it is that much more apparent. Now I go about my day constantly wondering what it will be today. What completely out of the blue, seemingly innocuous experience is going to come along and knock me on my ass. Usually it is something small, a set of twins, some adorable little girl stuff, that makes my heart catch in my throat and my stomach turn. The effects often continue, dependent on the gravity of the event, for several hours, tinging my day with a shade of sorrow. Occasionally there are those moments that cut deeper, that completely knock the wind out of me and change the tone of the entire day. Today was one of those days.
Today started out well. I was off to work per diem in skilled nursing, something that I really enjoy. I arrived at work, looked at my caseload and decided to start the chart review for the new patient I had been given. I went to the nurses station, pulled out the chart and began reading. That is when the whole tone of my day changed. I read in disbelief "end stage polycystic kidney disease. " My eyes kept reading, trying to move on and ignore those words, but my brain stopped and refused to comprehend anything else. I started thinking "This could have been Adeline. What if she had lived and had a full life before the disease took her from us". Before I knew what hit me I was shaking and close to tears. There was no sense to it. It was pure emotion and anxiety. I did manage to make a smooth exit from the nurses station and make it to the therapy office before i really lost it. It took me 30 minutes or so to get my feet back under me and pull myself together enough to return to work.
For anyone unfamiliar with polycystic kidney disease, there are two basic types, both very different diseases. One, autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease, is less common and much more severe. This is what Adeline had. The second type, autosomal dominant polycystic kidney disease, is likely what this woman had, though I never did actually get up the courage to go talk to her. This type is much more common and less severe. I know, intellectually that these are two different diseases. Emotionally however, those words cut right through me. I could not see that woman and not picture Adeline. I had never heard of PKD prior to Adeline's diagnosis. In all my years working in healthcare I had never treated a patient with this disease. This woman is the second person I have met with the disease, though the first that I was asked to treat directly.
The rest of my day was marred by this one event. I was physically and emotionally drained before my day even really began. I continued to think of Addy all day long but not in the bittersweet way that she is usually on my mind. Instead this was a terrible aching, a constant reminder that she was gone, that she would never get to have a full life, grow up, have children and maybe even grandchildren before the disease claimed her. Her life had barely even began before she was stolen away by pure genetic luck of the draw. I know that there will be many more moments like these but I am sincerely hoping that the universe takes it easy on me for a while.
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