A Year Of Firsts That Will Never Happen

As I watched the snow fall I was struck by the thought that this should have been Adeline's first snow.  Instead, as with many things now, it is our first without her.  She will never see the snow.  She will never press her little face against the window to watch it fall, or run down the stairs in excitment after an overnight snow.  I will never bundle her up in all of the adorable pink and purple winter clothes that are currently sitting in boxes in my basement.  This year has been, and will continue to be, filled with so many of these firsts.  She has missed her first bath, first smile, first solid food, first trip to the lake, first fireworks, first trip to camp, first Halloween, first day of daycare, and so many more. This is the year of firsts that will never happen.   As I watch Liam's hair get more blonde by the day I realize that we will never know what color hers would have been. We will never know who she would have turned out to be.  She will forever be one day old. 

Each time one of these "firsts" happens I think of Adeline and miss her.  No matter how small the mile stone, first trip to the grocery store, first time playing with a toy, I feel her absence for them all.  Everytime Liam plays in his play gym I can't help picturing her there with him.  I am acutely aware that during all of his firsts, all of his milestones, she is missing.  Everytime I take the boys somewhere, I am struck by the fact that taking all of my kids out of the house was suposed to be much more difficult.  I was suposed to be up at night with two babies and I long for that everytime I wake with Liam in the night. Stress, sleep deprivation and all, I want it more than I can ever express.  I have been asked several times, when the boys were making me crazy,  "can you imagine doing this with two babies?".  The answer is a resounding yes.  Yes, I most certainly can imagine it, it is all I think about and all I want in this world.

As we go through our lives without her I know that there will be many, many more missed milestones.  She will never have a first Thanksgiving or a first Christmas.  She will never taste pumpkin pie, say her first word, go to preschool or have a first day of school.  Our family pictures, vacations and outings will forever be short one.  We will remember her always but especially at these times, I know she will be with us.  We will mark all of these missed milestones and remember her over a lifetime of firsts that will never happen.