As life has gotten back to a new normal it has become increasingly difficulty for me to sneak away from my busy life to write here. Who knew raising two small children, mourning another and running around trying to keep up with the schedule of a teenager could be so hectic, right? Last month was the 6 month mark, a whole half year without my baby girl. Somehow, I think I dreaded this more than the one year mark. Half a year sounds like such a very long time and yet it seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. I often think of this as the "lost summer." Lost to the fog of grief, the shock of our new, surreal reality. It does not seem possible that 6 months has passed until I look at my beautiful little 6 month old baby boy. Liam has grown so much in the last 6 months but the more he changes, the more he looks like Adeline. I was looking at pictures of her the other day and was struck by the similarities in their features and build. I cannot help but wonder every day what she would have looked like. Liam went in for his 6 month check up last week and measured in the 11th percentile for weight and 46th percentile for height. I can't help but wonder where Addy would have fallen on those charts if she had lived.
It is amazing to me how the past 6 months have gone by as an eternity and the blink of an eye simultaneously. I cannot believe that it has been more that half a year since I last held my little girl in my arms. It feels like it was just yesterday. I am continually amazed that the world has continued on without her, that daily life has continued even though our world changed forever. Every day that passes seems like one day further away from Adeline, one day for the memory of her, her face, her smell, her weight in my arms, to fade. I would go through all of the pain of the past 6 months again just to have he in my arms for a few more minutes, to give her one more kiss, to see her beautiful face one more time.
The days have gotten easier, in a way, as time has passed. The grief is no longer debilitating the way that it was, not as a rule anyway. This is both comforting and disconcerting. It is, of course, nice to regain so sense of control in my life and be able to function as a mother and wife. However, there is still a part of me that wants to hang on to the grief. I feel as though the grief and pain keep me close to her. Although the passage of time and the process of healing are inevitable, there is a part of me that dreads it. As we get further from the day of her death, people have less patience for me when I talk about her. As we come to the holidays, a time that I knew would be difficult, I find myself talking about Adeline more, about the things we will do to honor and remember her on what would have been her first Christmas. I often see in the faces of the people around me an impatience and discomfort or lack of interest. I have always been aware that this is not a popular subject though as time passes it is becoming less acceptable for me to talk about her, as though I should somehow have moved on by now. Though life has gotten easier, I have not moved on, I still miss Adeline everyday, picture her here with us constantly and would give anything to have her back.
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