7 Months Gone

7 months gone and a week to Christmas.  This has not been a good week, or a good month for that matter.  I have been trying very hard to get into the holiday spirit, to find my usual love of this season, but it has abandoned me.  The events of the past week have intensified this feeling.  I had happily reclaimed some of my sanity, some joy in life, though that seems to be abandoning me as well in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Connecticut as well as the loss of a friend of a friend.  I find the anxiety returning, I am again, unable to listen to the radio for fear of Christmas music, songs about loss or news of the Connecticut shooting.   I know that this will again pass but it is a feeling that I was glad to be rid of.

As Christmas approaches much too quickly I find myself dreading the day and the emotions that I am sure will surface.  I have still yet to find a first Christmas ornament for Liam.  I was unable to decide if I wanted to just get him one, get one for each of them or get one for both.  Unfortunately, I have procrastinated so long that it is looking like he may not have one on the tree this year at all.  I did make ornaments for Adeline and have found several angel ornaments that will be in my stocking Christmas day.  She has a stocking hanging on the wall with the rest of ours.  I just couldn't leave the store without hers when I went in to get one for Liam and Brittany.  As I look at it up on the wall it looks right, like it is exactly where it is supposed to be.  I am dreading Christmas eve when we will take down all of the stockings to fill them, all of them except Addy's, that one will stay on the wall.

I did have a nice moment at work yesterday when I was asked about the babies by a co-worker.  She was aware that we lost Adeline though, in the moment had forgotten and asked about "them".  After quickly correcting herself she came back to her original question asking how they were both doing and asking to see pictures of Adeline.  She listened to all of the things we were doing to remember Addy this Christmas and looked through the pictures of both babies on my ipad.  I always love talking about Adeline but this was so needed and so appreciated this week.  I think about her every minute of every day.  Everytime someone asks me how many children I have, or I have to sign a card from us all I say her name in my head.  I did not send out Christmas cards this year because I couldn't decide if it would be harder to write her name 100 times or to have to leave it out 100 times.  I know that things will settle out some day. I am sure that while it will always be difficult, next Christmas will be easier than this one.  For now I will settle for remembering her and holding it together enough to give the kids a good Christmas.  I will plaster on a smile and pretend to be excited for Christmas in the hopes that someday the joy will come back and so will the real smile and holiday spirit.