The Journey

Today, after hearing the news that an acquaintance of mine lost her husband after a long battle with cancer, I began to think about grief.  My response to the news of the death of a man I barely knew was not what I expected.  I have known this woman in a "quick greeting when you meet at community events" capacity and yet the news of her loss touched me deeply.  She posted a comment about grief and how hers had "just begun"  and I couldn't help but be touched, not only because she is obviously hurting but because I vividly remember being in that stage of grief.  I hope to never know the pain of losing my spouse, but I do understand that profound kind of loss that leaves a hole in your soul. I desperately wanted to say something to help her, to ease her pain, to assure her that the pain gets better but I realized that there is nothing to be said.  There is nothing that was or could have been said to me at that stage of my grief that would have made me believe that the pain would subside even a little bit.  The only thing to do is offer condolences and support.  There is no one else that can travel her path, just as there was no one else who could travel mine.

This brought me to thinking about my own personal journey of grief.  It has been one year, six months and 2 weeks since I began my own journey.  It has not been a an easy journey thus far and it is far from over.  There have been many ups and down on this journey, there have been many dark days when I felt the weight of the world on me and the emptiness left in my soul by Addy's passing felt like it would consume me. There have also been many wonderful days, days when I have been able to smile and remember her fondly.
In the beginning, there were only dark days but gradually the light began to peek through and the good days became more and more frequent.  Eventually, there came a time when the good days far outnumbered the bad but the bad days are still there, and tend to resurface just when I least expect it.  

With the loss of baby Charlie last month, I feel like I got sent back to start.  Well maybe a little bit past start but still it was a major rewind to the whole process.  The bad days came back in full force, this time mourning the loss of two children.  I feel like I am on a tandem journey now.  On one side I am still mourning the loss of Adeline on the other I am mourning the loss of baby Charlie at a time when I should still be pregnant.  The loss of Adeline rock our whole world and turned everything we had hoped for upside down.  I found the aftermath of her loss to be much less difficult that with the loss of Charlie.  The loss was again  heartbreaking of course, but with the added pain of no longer being pregnant.  I did not realize how hard that part would be.  After we lost Addy, I never had trouble being around pregnant women or newborns.  I had so much time to process in the little bubble of the NICU and I went home with a beautiful baby boy.  This time around, walking out of the maternity ward with empty arms was terrible.  I then had to go home and pack up my maternity clothes, because I already fit back into regular clothes.  Every pregnant women that I have run into is a giant reminder of what I should have and have lost.  I cannot even count the number of times that I have caught myself protecting my belly from my crashing boys, only to realize that there is no longer anything in there.  I never saw these things coming and they have knocked me for a bit of a loop.
The two losses are and the grief that goes along with it are so different that I feel like I am traveling two different paths at the same time.  The loss of Charlie brought back so many of the feelings that I had after loosing Addy and the difficult days flooded back, but the light is starting to peek through again and this time I know what to expect.  I know there will be a break in the clouds and the good days will someday outnumber the bad again.  If there was one thing I wish I could give to someone begining their journey of grief it would be this knowledge.  Unfortunately, that is knowledge that only comes from traveling the path you have been set on.  There is nothing that anyone can say to prepare you for this journey and it is not one that anyone can take for you.  Grief is a journey that you must face yourself, though luckily, not one that you have to face alone.