I am thankful for...

With Thanksgiving approaching I started an "I'm thankful for..." writing activity with my students.  As we were brainstorming things we were thankful for, it struck me how very grateful I am for everything that I have.   Even after all that we have gone through in the past two years, or maybe because of everything we have gone through, I am left with a deep sense of gratitude.  It is something that I noticed after we lost Adeline, and something that I have begun to feel even more strongly since loosing our little Charlie.  When I came home today I hugged my boys a little tighter and was a little more patient with their antics.  If any of thousands of factors had been even a little different I would not have them here to hug at all.

The past two years have not been kind to us.  Beginning with the loss of our beautiful girl, 3 weeks in the NICU with Liam and the wonderful but stressful addition of our niece to our family and ending with the excitement, stress and anxiety of another pregnancy and the eventual loss of our baby boy.  These past two years were also scattered with additional anxious trips to Maine Med with Liam and huge financial challenges and worries, all while dealing with the greatest loss we had ever known and the sadness, anxiety and insecurity that come along with it.  The last two years have taken so much from us and I know that it would be very easy to focus on that and get sucked under.  But these two trying years have also given us so much and for that I choose to be thankful.

I am thankful for my two beautiful boys.  After loosing this pregnancy I was struck with the fragility that is every pregnancy.  If any number of things had gone slightly differently, either of the pregnancies that gave me my three beautiful babies could have ended just as this one did.  I am forever thankful that fate was in our favor and we were allowed to be parents to Sawyer and Liam and we were allowed the memory and love of our angel Adeline. 

I am thankful for my wonderful husband.  Through everything, no matter how our relationship has been strained  and tested, he has been my rock.  We have had some rocky moments over the past few years but I have never felt more secure in our relationship or so sure that I chose the right partner for this crazy life, than I am now.  He is continually surprising me as a partner, a father and a person and I am forever thankful to have him to share my life with.  

I am thankful for the usual things too.  I am thankful for our supportive family.   I am thankful for a roof over our heads, good food on the table and the lights on.  These are things I have always been grateful for, though never more than now.  There were times over the past two years when the latter of these things we're not for certain.  Medical bills, time off of work and the addition of two new members of our family left us stretched pretty thin financially.  There were many weeks when were weren't sure how we were going to make it stretch far enough and there were even more weeks when it just wouldn't.  We would never have made it through the past two years with any kind of style and grace without the very generous help of our family.  Although we fully intend to repay them financially as soon as we possibly can, we will never be able to do enough to truly repay them for all that they did for us.  

Although there is not a moment that goes by that I do not wish the last two years could have included Adeline and there is nothing I wouldn't give to still be carrying her baby brother, they were able to give me some of the greatest gifts I could ever hope to receive.  They opened my eyes to the world and they changed me as a person, as a wife and as a mother.  They taught me about myself and to trust in my own strength and all that I am capable of.   For all of this and so much more, I will be forever grateful that I was allowed to be their mother.