7 months gone and a week to Christmas. This has not been a good week, or a good month for that matter. I have been trying very hard to get into the holiday spirit, to find my usual love of this season, but it has abandoned me. The events of the past week have intensified this feeling. I had happily reclaimed some of my sanity, some joy in life, though that seems to be abandoning me as well in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Connecticut as well as the loss of a friend of a friend. I find the anxiety returning, I am again, unable to listen to the radio for fear of Christmas music, songs about loss or news of the Connecticut shooting. I know that this will again pass but it is a feeling that I was glad to be rid of.
As Christmas approaches much too quickly I find myself dreading the day and the emotions that I am sure will surface. I have still yet to find a first Christmas ornament for Liam. I was unable to decide if I wanted to just get him one, get one for each of them or get one for both. Unfortunately, I have procrastinated so long that it is looking like he may not have one on the tree this year at all. I did make ornaments for Adeline and have found several angel ornaments that will be in my stocking Christmas day. She has a stocking hanging on the wall with the rest of ours. I just couldn't leave the store without hers when I went in to get one for Liam and Brittany. As I look at it up on the wall it looks right, like it is exactly where it is supposed to be. I am dreading Christmas eve when we will take down all of the stockings to fill them, all of them except Addy's, that one will stay on the wall.
I did have a nice moment at work yesterday when I was asked about the babies by a co-worker. She was aware that we lost Adeline though, in the moment had forgotten and asked about "them". After quickly correcting herself she came back to her original question asking how they were both doing and asking to see pictures of Adeline. She listened to all of the things we were doing to remember Addy this Christmas and looked through the pictures of both babies on my ipad. I always love talking about Adeline but this was so needed and so appreciated this week. I think about her every minute of every day. Everytime someone asks me how many children I have, or I have to sign a card from us all I say her name in my head. I did not send out Christmas cards this year because I couldn't decide if it would be harder to write her name 100 times or to have to leave it out 100 times. I know that things will settle out some day. I am sure that while it will always be difficult, next Christmas will be easier than this one. For now I will settle for remembering her and holding it together enough to give the kids a good Christmas. I will plaster on a smile and pretend to be excited for Christmas in the hopes that someday the joy will come back and so will the real smile and holiday spirit.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Brothers
Oh my sweet girl, if only you knew what wonderful brothers you were blessed with. Sawyer, in particular, has amazed me throughout my pregnancy, your short little life and the 6 months since you left us. He loves you so very much and misses you every day. I know that he thinks about you all the time because he frequently talks about you. For a three year old, he has an amazing grasp on the concept of death and often talks about how sad it is that you died and how he wishes you could come home. He is certain that you are still with us though and informed me the other night that the shadows in his room couldn't hurt him because he has a sister and she is an angel. I am sure that he is right about this and you are watching over both of your brothers.
Sawyer was recently given a little baby girl doll. It is just about the same size that you were when you were born, though lighter. He has latched onto this "Adeline's baby" and has even named it Adeline. He wanted to dress her and decided that she needed a diaper so I dug through your box in the basement and pulled out a couple of newborn outfits and a pink diaper. He happily dressed her, undressed her, changed her diaper and redressed her for the better part of an hour. For your crazy energetic big brother, this is quite an accomplishment. He even made you an ornament for Christmas this year. It is beautiful and I think is the most intricate, delicate thing that I have ever seen him make. He even asked me to mix up pink paint just for you. It will hang on our tree this year and every year, along with your remembrance ornament, and you will be so very missed this and every Christmas.
Liam misses you as well in his own way I believe. When he first came home he would have moments when he was inconsolable, just wanted to be held and snuggled and even that wasn't enough. I am certain that he was, and still is, lonely without you. As a newborn he would stare intently at the shelf with your ashes and angel next to his bed. Now that he is bigger and interacting with objects he has several favorite toys. Many of them were supposed to have been yours. He is particularly fond of your pink stuffed elephant and falls asleep talking to and snuggling with it every night. I cannot help but picture you in the co-sleeper with him.
Although your time here was far too short, you were blessed with a loving family and wonderful siblings. You are loved and missed more than you will ever know. It warms my heart to hear Sawyer talk about you and claim your toys for his own because they are yours and need to be taken care of. I love to watch Liam snuggle with your things and play with your necklace when I am holding him. It is comforting to know that they will still be loving you and remembering you long after I am gone.
Sawyer was recently given a little baby girl doll. It is just about the same size that you were when you were born, though lighter. He has latched onto this "Adeline's baby" and has even named it Adeline. He wanted to dress her and decided that she needed a diaper so I dug through your box in the basement and pulled out a couple of newborn outfits and a pink diaper. He happily dressed her, undressed her, changed her diaper and redressed her for the better part of an hour. For your crazy energetic big brother, this is quite an accomplishment. He even made you an ornament for Christmas this year. It is beautiful and I think is the most intricate, delicate thing that I have ever seen him make. He even asked me to mix up pink paint just for you. It will hang on our tree this year and every year, along with your remembrance ornament, and you will be so very missed this and every Christmas.
Liam misses you as well in his own way I believe. When he first came home he would have moments when he was inconsolable, just wanted to be held and snuggled and even that wasn't enough. I am certain that he was, and still is, lonely without you. As a newborn he would stare intently at the shelf with your ashes and angel next to his bed. Now that he is bigger and interacting with objects he has several favorite toys. Many of them were supposed to have been yours. He is particularly fond of your pink stuffed elephant and falls asleep talking to and snuggling with it every night. I cannot help but picture you in the co-sleeper with him.
Although your time here was far too short, you were blessed with a loving family and wonderful siblings. You are loved and missed more than you will ever know. It warms my heart to hear Sawyer talk about you and claim your toys for his own because they are yours and need to be taken care of. I love to watch Liam snuggle with your things and play with your necklace when I am holding him. It is comforting to know that they will still be loving you and remembering you long after I am gone.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
A Whole Half a Year
As life has gotten back to a new normal it has become increasingly difficulty for me to sneak away from my busy life to write here. Who knew raising two small children, mourning another and running around trying to keep up with the schedule of a teenager could be so hectic, right? Last month was the 6 month mark, a whole half year without my baby girl. Somehow, I think I dreaded this more than the one year mark. Half a year sounds like such a very long time and yet it seemed to go by in the blink of an eye. I often think of this as the "lost summer." Lost to the fog of grief, the shock of our new, surreal reality. It does not seem possible that 6 months has passed until I look at my beautiful little 6 month old baby boy. Liam has grown so much in the last 6 months but the more he changes, the more he looks like Adeline. I was looking at pictures of her the other day and was struck by the similarities in their features and build. I cannot help but wonder every day what she would have looked like. Liam went in for his 6 month check up last week and measured in the 11th percentile for weight and 46th percentile for height. I can't help but wonder where Addy would have fallen on those charts if she had lived.
It is amazing to me how the past 6 months have gone by as an eternity and the blink of an eye simultaneously. I cannot believe that it has been more that half a year since I last held my little girl in my arms. It feels like it was just yesterday. I am continually amazed that the world has continued on without her, that daily life has continued even though our world changed forever. Every day that passes seems like one day further away from Adeline, one day for the memory of her, her face, her smell, her weight in my arms, to fade. I would go through all of the pain of the past 6 months again just to have he in my arms for a few more minutes, to give her one more kiss, to see her beautiful face one more time.
The days have gotten easier, in a way, as time has passed. The grief is no longer debilitating the way that it was, not as a rule anyway. This is both comforting and disconcerting. It is, of course, nice to regain so sense of control in my life and be able to function as a mother and wife. However, there is still a part of me that wants to hang on to the grief. I feel as though the grief and pain keep me close to her. Although the passage of time and the process of healing are inevitable, there is a part of me that dreads it. As we get further from the day of her death, people have less patience for me when I talk about her. As we come to the holidays, a time that I knew would be difficult, I find myself talking about Adeline more, about the things we will do to honor and remember her on what would have been her first Christmas. I often see in the faces of the people around me an impatience and discomfort or lack of interest. I have always been aware that this is not a popular subject though as time passes it is becoming less acceptable for me to talk about her, as though I should somehow have moved on by now. Though life has gotten easier, I have not moved on, I still miss Adeline everyday, picture her here with us constantly and would give anything to have her back.
It is amazing to me how the past 6 months have gone by as an eternity and the blink of an eye simultaneously. I cannot believe that it has been more that half a year since I last held my little girl in my arms. It feels like it was just yesterday. I am continually amazed that the world has continued on without her, that daily life has continued even though our world changed forever. Every day that passes seems like one day further away from Adeline, one day for the memory of her, her face, her smell, her weight in my arms, to fade. I would go through all of the pain of the past 6 months again just to have he in my arms for a few more minutes, to give her one more kiss, to see her beautiful face one more time.
The days have gotten easier, in a way, as time has passed. The grief is no longer debilitating the way that it was, not as a rule anyway. This is both comforting and disconcerting. It is, of course, nice to regain so sense of control in my life and be able to function as a mother and wife. However, there is still a part of me that wants to hang on to the grief. I feel as though the grief and pain keep me close to her. Although the passage of time and the process of healing are inevitable, there is a part of me that dreads it. As we get further from the day of her death, people have less patience for me when I talk about her. As we come to the holidays, a time that I knew would be difficult, I find myself talking about Adeline more, about the things we will do to honor and remember her on what would have been her first Christmas. I often see in the faces of the people around me an impatience and discomfort or lack of interest. I have always been aware that this is not a popular subject though as time passes it is becoming less acceptable for me to talk about her, as though I should somehow have moved on by now. Though life has gotten easier, I have not moved on, I still miss Adeline everyday, picture her here with us constantly and would give anything to have her back.
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