Christmas again

Another Christmas has come and gone with an incomplete family.  This time with two pieces missing.  This year was particularly hard given the fact that there should have been new baby gifts under the tree for the little guy we should be still anxiously awaiting.  Instead, there is just bitterness, anger and grief.  I am mad that I don't get my happy ending, mad that I now dread a holiday I used to love and mad that there is noting I can do about it.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the faces of my two little guys when they realized Santa had come this morning.  Sawyer was so excited to realize that Santa is in fact real and magical.  There was so much joy and laughter in our home as he tore through his stocking and then his brothers and handed out gifts at whirlwind speed.   It just seems that there is never quite enough Christmas joy to dilute my Christmas grief.

Christmas is supposed to be such a joyous time, especially when you have kids to share it with.  There is nothing quite like seeing the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child.  The past two year though, the magic has been a lot harder to find.  No matter how hard I try to feel the Christmas magic, no matter how much I throw myself into my kids and our Christmas traditions, I just can't seem to get back the old love I used to have for this season.  It is a time when everyone is proudly posting beautiful pictures of their beautiful children or big pregnant bellies.  Again, please do not misunderstand, I am beyond happy for them.  In fact, I very much envy their unimpeded holiday cheer.  I would love to be back in their version of Christmas, where the holiday is fun, exciting and magical.  In my world though, at least for now, it is yet another reminded that I will never again be able to celebrate with my whole family.  I will never get to see Addy or Charlie's faces on Christmas morning, take their picture on Santa's lap or watch them open their first gift.  Sawyer and Liam will never get to share Christmas traditions with their brother and sister and that is a fact that sucks all of the joy out of Christmas for me.  

I used to love Christmas, everything about it.  I looked forward to the magic and excitement of it every year as a kid, and even as an adult, I loved the craziness of Black Friday shopping and carrying on my childhood traditions with my own children.  This year, I was ready to take down the tree by 11:00.  It is all just too hard to shoulder this year and my usually strong facade has failed me horribly today.  After several full on meltdowns I am ready to call it quits with Christmas, at least for this year.   I am very hopeful that my Christmas spirit will return someday, and I will continue to pretend, for the sake of my living children until, hopefully, one day it does.  My greatest fear is that all of my pain will ruin this season for them, that I will not hide my newfound hatred of the holidays well enough.  I have so many wonderful memories of Christmas  and they deserve that as well.   As for this year though, I will retreat to my room with far too many sugar cookies and a rather large glass of wine to watch sappy reruns until Christmas is over.  May all of you celebrating with your children today realize just how very blessed you are.  To those of you grieving your tiny missing pieces along with me, I send you all of my love and wish you returned Christmas spirit and as much holiday joy as you can manage so squeeze from the season.