Awakening

The past year has been absolutely, dizzyingly crazy.  I have found my self shying away from the sadness, from the memory of my beautiful girl.  Almost as if I have been hiding from her, hiding from the pain that comes with her memory.  I scroll right by posts and stories about child loss and grief and have all but removed myself from all of the child loss support boards that I once clung to.  I have been aware of this but, even in the rare moments of peace that I have found in the past year, I have been somehow unable to connect with her.  Her memory has been superficial, I talk about her as if her death is only a well rehearsed story.  Don't get me wrong, I talk about her all the time.  I talk about her birth, about how much her big brother misses her, how much I hope to be able to use her things someday, but it is as if it is all a story that happened to someone else.  I have felt like a terrible mother, like I am pushing away my only daughter, as though if I can somehow manage not the think about her the pain will go away and things will go back to normal.  

Today however, while reading a blog post from another grieving mother, I had a flash of the grief I truly feel for Adeline's loss.  I had a return to the gut wrenching, tear welling pain that I usually feel when we comes to my mind.  It was a welcome feeling, a reminder that no matter how fast life gets, how crazy and out of control I let my self get, she will always be there.  I do truly love her and miss her with all of my heart.  Not that I ever doubted that, it was just a horrible feeling to be unable to connect with her, to have guarded my emotions so much that she could no longer get in.  

I think that today the boys and I will do something special for their sister.  Maybe we will finally finish the  memory bracelets that we made to donate to the NICU for her birthday.  Maybe we will make one of the many pictures and memorials that I have been putting off for the past year.  I will take this sudden awakening as a long overdue opportunity to reconnect with the memory of my precious girl.