These last few day have been hard. Not the normal, crazy, stressed hard, but all of that along with a sudden surge of grief. Out of nowhere, after months of feeling ok and thinking fondly of my girl, I am struck again with that knot-in-my-stomach heartache. It is as if she left just yesterday, not 9 months ago. Last night I cried, for the first time in a long time, reliving every second of saying goodbye to her. There is no particular reason for this onset of grief but it is here just the same.
The past few months have, of course, had their difficult moments but I was able to take it in stride and go through my day with a smile. I have had some wonderful moments with my boys. I love to watch them play together, now that Liam is big enough to play. He adores his big brother and I love the look of hero worship on his face as he watched Sawyer race around like a superhero, build block towers for him or eat snack. I love how Sawyer always wants to include Liam in his fun. He is always asking if Liam can sit on the floor and play with him or if I think Liam is done napping so that he can come play. He is an amazing big brother and it makes my heart ache to think how much he and Liam are missing without their sister here. They miss her, I can tell. Sawyer talks about her all the time. He plays with his "Addy doll", dressing her in Adeline's clothes, asking me to swaddle her so she can sleep in her Moses basket and snugging it right up next to his bed. I came into the living room the other day and found him making the doll give Liam kisses. It was a beautiful, heart wrenching moment but warmed my heart and made me smile.
Liam has entered the separation anxiety stage. I know other mom's know what I'm talking about. That stage where it is pretty much the end of his little world when I put him down, hand him of to someone else or, heaven forbid, leave the room. I look at his need to snuggle, to be close to me and I wonder if he is missing his sister as much as I think he is. They would have been inseparable, I am sure. He so very often looks up at the sky with a great big grin, or catches his reflection in the mirror and gets the cutest, excited expression and I can't help but wonder if he sees her. Every now and then something weird happens at our house, his musical toy going off all by itself, a big ray of sunshine on a cloudy day or just a sudden intense feeling that she is here, and he reacts to it. A couple of times he has actually woken up from napping or gotten a sudden smile for no apparent reason. Sometimes he just gets really aggitated at the same time that I am suddenly thinking of her. I think she is here with him in those moments and I think he feels it too. Usually these moments give me peace and bring a smile to my face. Usually I am able to think of her fondly and continue with my day, but not today. Today I sit, looking out the window at the quiet, snowy day. The whole world around me is a beautiful, peaceful, quiet, white and somehow that makes it harder. Today I just miss her.
No comments:
Post a Comment